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Why do we value some people's opinions but not other people's? Doesn't everyone have an opinion? And what makes one person's opinion more important than another person's?

Tonight while I was glancing at the Oscars for a couple minutes, I asked someone in the room what movie they were talking about. She told me and then said "my __ professor said it was good, and he probably knows what he's talking about." Okay, so that really bothered me. If we were talking about the theory of relativity or of the meaning behind Baudelaire's poetry, then I can see why we might find an academic's (someone who studies physics or Baudelaire) opinion as more valid than say, mine. But, a movie? Come on! What makes her professor a cinematic expert? Why would she see a movie just because her professor said it was good? If I said it was good, would she go? I don't think so.

Piggy-backing on one of the last entries:

On second thought, some people are just bitchy and can not be reasoned with.

Sunshine, lolipops.

So, I've been having this uncontrollable (well, that's a bit exaggerative) craving for chocolate! But, I don't really like chocolate in it's pure, unadulterated form (well, it goes without saying that when choosing chocolates, I most definitely prefer the pure over the un-pure--Hershey's...ewwww. but, cake is a whole different story, baby). I like chocolate flavored stuff. You know, brownies, tortes, cakes, mousse, etc. But, all I have are chocolates in my room. So, I keep eating them, thinking that's what I want, but it's not! So, then I eat more, thinking that's what I want....but I don't! It's a vicious cycle, I tell ya.

Is anyone's birthday coming up? Cause I'd really like to make a chocolate cake....mmmmmm.

Oh, by the way, Godiva is an imposter. It's not even good chocolate. They just use regular ol' chocolate and make it seem all high-class living by putting it in little fancy boxes, wrapped in gold, and charging $3 for a tiny truffle. Funny, I never thought it was that good to begin with.

"Most things you consider evil are just lonely."

I saw Big Fish last night and was thoroughly impressed and moved. There were so many good points to be made. For example, the "moral" had to do with people becoming their stories. Meaning, ultimately, we are what we define ourselves to be. The man in the movie wove an incredible web through his life with mysterious and fantastical tales, but, ultimately, that is who he became.

Also, I love the quote at the front of this entry. How true is that. I think that meaness truly comes from sadness or lonliness. I need to be more conscious of my thoughts about other people. I shouldn't take people's meaness so seriously and instead just try to be their friend. I know it sounds so cliche and grade-school, but the older I get, the more I realize that the world is really an unhappy, overwhelming and lonely place. Unhappiness (lonliness) is responsible for all of the ills, and I am determined not to allow this to continue--at least not in my life. What it comes down to is this: smile at the person who is mean to me, don't be afraid to put my heart on display, don't take things personally and be intimate with all those I meet. Sure, that's a potential roadmap of disaster, but most goals in life are not easy to obtain.

In the movie, there was a scene where the son was yelling at the father, telling him that no one really liked to listen to him and no one cared about him. The father's face, at that instant, was so compellingly sad. I was so sad for him. It makes me feel so torn up inside when I see people hurt. I know it's just a movie, but I also know that people are disappointed in life every day, and that makes me feel so bad. When I was little I used to not be able to look at the newspaper or covers of news magazines without feeling this overwhelming sense of sadness for all that is bad in the world. It's hard to explain what I felt, but it's like the world just got so quiet and I wanted to comfort it somehow. Anyway, that's how I felt last night.

It's also important to remember how much good there is. And, I am so thankful for the incredible life that I get to share with so many people.

It is strange to think that history is merely a compilation of written circumstances. We weren't there, so how do we know it happened.

History is written by the winners, anyway. What do the losers get to say?

All of this comes from The Da Vinci Code. Now, I am the world's least qualified expert on any of the "facts" or "fictions" in the novel, but what I do know, is that it is certainly causing me to question. Not so much to question what or what is not true, but, rather, to question why it's true? Is it all about having faith? We don't know what happened, but we have faith that whatever happened happened in the way that it is told? What it comes down to, ultimately, is that people don't question what is. I see that all the time. No one really knows why they do what they do. Someone just told them at some point to do it, so they do it. Is this healthy?

We are taught to fear and to be oppressed, yet we are free. But I don't really think that we are. This is just something that we are taught to believe so that we won't question.

By the way, in 2002, approximately 34% of first-years at the U of C came from households between $100,000 and $200,000 a year. 12% are from families earning more than $250,000.

Wow. I didn't know that I knew so many wealthy people. Speaking of wealth...what does that mean? I believe that wealth rules the world, so does that mean that 46% of us will rule the future--and write history?

I thought that I was going to write about how I like what I'm bad at, but then I thought about it for a while and realized it's not totally true. I often like things and do them for a while and then get sick of being bad at them and quit. It's a vicious cycle, I tell ya. Maybe that's why I'm not super good at anything. Cause I always quit.

What I was thinking about though, at the time, were my classes. I actually really enjoy them, but I'm not really good at any of them. I want to pursue the photography thing. I think that I may have a slight sliver of potential, but I can't just get up and quit!

It all started with t-ball. I know my parents should have made me play. They have failed me, and I am only the worse because of it.

Today got good. But it's really just about rolling with the punches and not letting things get you down. I'm learning. I really am.

*Disclaimer*
My posts are in no way meant to make anyone feel bad about themselves! They are purely a manifestation of my thoughts. Sometimes I go crazy keeping everything inside and it's nice to get it out in a form that I know is semi-public, but much less awkward then face-to-face. I am not trying to get people to guess if they're the subject of my thoughts. They're just thoughts!

Yeah, I know I am.

But, I make no apologies for who/what I am....starting....

NOW*.

(*Well, unless I killed someone, or really hurt them and didn't mean to. Then I would be sorry. But not sorry for who I am. Sorry because I did whatever I did.)

Oh, and I desperately want to eat for the hell of it. But I'm holding back. At least I can be proud of myself in that respect.

Why is food so comforting? It's certainly not comforting when it ends up on my butt.

AHHHHHH!

I am happy, though! Really, I am. See: :) It's all just momentary and I needed to rant somewhere. This is so much more satisfying then keeping it inside, but it's nothing that I want to share with anyone--at least not anyone who will listen.

I don't know if I've just set myself up in life poorly or something. I try to please people so much that I end up getting taken advantage of. I am feeling like no one in my life is reliable--or at least they are reliable in that they are unreliable. I thought that I was perceived as the bitch who gets mad when things don't go my way, but apparently, I am just the carpet that gets walked all over.

It is such a struggle to find a balance between doing what is right for me and what is right for other people. I am so conscious of everything that I do, and how it will affect those around me. If I'm late (which I too often am) then I feel badly that other people must wait. If I make plans and cancel them, then I know that other people will have to be flexible around me, and I make decisions based upon that. Unfortunately, the people who I dearly want to be there for me, just aren't. And, it's driving me crazy.

This is not to say that I don't have incredible people in my life. I feel like such a selfish ass for even complaining about this, as I am blessed in so many ways. But, really, this is starting to take a toll. I am learing that I am the only truly reliable person in my life and it's turning out to be a truly disappointing revelation.

Again, I'm sorry if this sucks and is depressing, blah blah, but it does and that's the way I want it to be and that's the way I feel. I have to take charge of me and not care so much about everyone else. In making sure that everyone around me is happy, I am destroying my own self worth and esteem.

If I am hiding my true feelings from my friends, then I don't really think that I am being a friend. That is why you have been graced with my tearful ramble.

I don't want to be a bad friend, but sometimes I think I am. Not really a bad friend, but not necessarily a good friend. The past week has been testing me on how I perceive myself--well, I'm always being tested on that, I think--in terms of my friendships. Someone who is really important to me commented that I didn't have time for people anymore. That really hurt. I think that it hurt, though, because I thought that it hurt this person that I wasn't "there." I try and be emotionally "there" for people, but I don't think I always am. It's hard to pause in life and see that I am not who I want to be, or not who I thought I was. This is also a lesson in taking care of myself, though. I do think that it's important to learn how to take care of oneself, before one can take care of others, but it's often hard for me to see it that way.

Today I found out something about another important person to me that this person hasn't told me, and that was disheartening, as well. I don't know if it's because they don't want to tell me--which I'm okay with. I don't want people to feel like they have to tell me anything, but I would want them to be excited to tell me things!
Then, later, my reaction to something else that someone told me worried that person. Man, 3 strikes, and I am out.

Since I know the (2) people who read this blog and it's hardly anonymous, I just want to say that I'm sorry if I'm a bad friend. You are all really important to me! I'm sorry if I don't say that or show that enough.

Okay, this is getting quite deep and continues to be very poorly written. That must mean it's time for bed.

There's a great new book that I browsed at the bookstore yesterday. Check out the website: http://www.sorryeverybody.com/

But, really, this doesn't do the book justice. It is really poignant in a sad, depressing way.

My dad asked me if I was proud to be an American. I couldn't answer him, which made me sad. I'm proud to be me, and I'm glad to be an American for many reasons. But, no, I don't think I'm proud to be an American. I'm definitely not proud that 50% of us think that George Bush is an intelligent man. Or that 50% of us think that what he stands for should be what America symbolizes. Why is it that we have more freedoms than anyone else in this planet but that The Administration (*gloom*) justifies taking away other people's freedoms. And why don't people question this? If you ask me, American's are just too high up on their mighty horse--busy changing and passing judgement on other people's morals. What is wrong with us?

Here ends my nonsensical political rant.

I had my handwriting analyzed this weekend. I was actually pretty impressed with the guy, though I have no clue where I went wrong in allowing my entire being to be defined by a few curves, lines and dots. He didn't tell me anything I didn't allready know, but I definitely agreed with most everything. It was basically a personality profile through letters.

So, here I am:

I am:

organized
logical ("You're not cold, but you think with your head, not your heart.")
romantic
motherly and nurturing (so, that's where it comes from)
resentful of something [deep]: my dad thinks it's him
someone who likes to talk
and dislikes authority, but I often get placed in authoritative roles
concerned with the present, as opposed to the future
a perfectionist
a teacher
comforted by peace and harmony
an honor student (tell that to Mr. Econometrics)
living "by the book"
direct and blunt
a people pleaser ("Watch out," he said, "That can really get you into trouble.")

According to my birthday, I have big things ahead of me. I'm going to change the world!

Okay, that was deep. I did think it was cool, though.

OP-ED COLUMNIST

Bush's Sex ScandalBy NICHOLAS D. KRISTOF Published: February 16, 2005

I'm sorry to report a sex scandal in the heart of the Bush administration. Worse, it doesn't involve private behavior, but public conduct.
You see, for all the carnage in President Bush's budget, one program is being showered with additional cash - almost three times as much as it got in 2001. It's "abstinence only" sex education, and the best research suggests that it will cost far more lives than the Clinton administration's much more notorious sex scandal.
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Mr. Bush means well. But "abstinence only" is a misnomer that in practice is an assault on sex education itself. There's a good deal of evidence that the result will not be more young rosy-cheeked virgins - it will be more pregnancies, abortions, gonorrhea and deaths from AIDS.
Look, I'm all for abstinence education. I support the booming abstinence industry as it peddles panties and boxers decorated with stop signs (at www.abstinence.net), and "Pet Your Dog, Not Your Date" T-shirts.
Abstinence education is great because it helps counteract the peer pressure that often leaves teenagers with broken hearts - and broken health.
For that reason, almost all sex-ed classes in America already encourage abstinence. But abstinence-only education isn't primarily about promoting abstinence - it's about blindly refusing to teach contraception.
To get federal funds, for example, abstinence-only programs are typically barred by law from discussing condoms or other forms of contraception - except to describe how they can fail. So kids in these programs go all through high school without learning anything but abstinence, even though more than 60 percent of American teenagers have sex before age 18.
In the old days, social conservatives simply fought any mention of sex. In 1906, The Ladies' Home Journal published articles about venereal disease - and 75,000 readers canceled their subscriptions. Congress banned the mailing of family planning information, and Margaret Sanger was jailed in 1916 for selling a birth control pamphlet to an undercover policewoman.
But silence about sex only nurtured venereal diseases (one New York doctor, probably exaggerating, claimed in 1904 that 60 percent of American men had syphilis or gonorrhea), so sex education gradually gained ground. Then social conservatives had a brilliant idea: instead of fighting sex ed directly, they campaigned for abstinence-only programs that eviscerated any discussion of contraception.
That shrewd approach succeeded. In 1988, a survey by the Alan Guttmacher Institute found that only 2 percent of sex-ed teachers used an abstinence-only approach. Now, the institute says, a quarter of them do.
Other developed countries focus much more on contraception. The upshot is that while teenagers in the U.S. have about as much sexual activity as teenagers in Canada or Europe, Americans girls are four times as likely as German girls to become pregnant, almost five times as likely as French girls to have a baby, and more than seven times as likely as Dutch girls to have an abortion. Young Americans are five times as likely to have H.I.V. as young Germans, and teenagers' gonorrhea rate is 70 times higher in the U.S. than in the Netherlands or France.
Some studies have claimed that abstinence-only programs work, but researchers criticize the studies for being riddled with flaws. A National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy task force examined the issue and concluded: "There do not currently exist any abstinence-only programs with strong evidence that they either delay sex or reduce teen pregnancy."
Worse, there's some evidence that abstinence-only programs lead to increases in unprotected sex.
Perhaps the most careful study of the issue involved 12,000 young people. It found that those taking virginity pledges had sex 18 months later, on average, than those who had not taken the pledge. But even 88 percent of the pledgers had sex before marriage.
More troubling, the pledgers were much less likely to use contraception when they did have sex - only 40 percent of the males used condoms, compared with 59 percent of those who did not take the pledge.
In contrast, there's plenty of evidence that abstinence-plus programs - which encourage abstinence but also teach contraception - delay sex and increase the use of contraception. So, at a time when we're cutting school and health programs, why should we pour additional tax money into abstinence-only initiatives, which are likely to lead to more pregnancies, more abortions and more kids with AIDS? Now, that's a scandal.

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting
your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are
squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the centre
of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story
you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul
if you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty every day
and if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where
or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Unfortunately, I'm too tired to write anything now, so here's what you (aka, Samwithoutaname, since you're the only person who knows this exists and probably the only person who cares to read, anyway!) can expect in the future--I've been thinking about this today.

--Agreeing/Disagreeing with other people's opinions
--Liking what I'm bad at, etc
--Activism
--Photos

I was blowing up a heart shaped balloon in the spirit of my favorite holiday--that is Valentine's Day for all of you Hallmark non-aficionados. At a certain point (I didn't think the balloon had gotten too big) it popped in my face. This would all be fine, aside from the noise, if my eyes hadn't gotten in the way. After the initial burning, my eyes began to water incessantly and now I can't really open (or close) the left one without pain. Thus, I am writing this through the silent tears leaking from my eyes. Apparently my lung capacity is better than I thought. Ouch.


That sort of puts a damper on my level of productivity.

I use this phrase all of the time, but I don't think anyone really knows what anyone else means, or at least they can't know exactly what the other person means. People's experiences always bias the way that they perceive events, so everyone means something different than any other person. I am still wrestling with this--I can't decide if this is good or bad. But, whatever it is...it just is.

It's hard to know if productivity is relative to the person, the task, the time, the list, or whatever. I have trouble defining what it means to be "productive," yet if I'm not productive then I have failed. Take, for example, this weekend. I was determined to be productive this weekend. I was scheduled to go to Cincinnati (I've known about this since the end of December), but at the last minute, I made the decision not to go. I really didn't want to be here, and I knew this when I made that decision, but I decided that I needed a weekend to catch up with life--something that I've been putting off for a while. In order to keep from checking my watch every 5 minutes wondering what they were doing now, I made the decision that this weekend had to be ultra productive. So, looking back...was it productive? Well, I think it was. But, how do I know? My impossible list has many little check marks all lined up neatly along the page's edge, but does that mean I was productive? Will I go to sleep tonight relaxed and content with all that has been done? Probably not. Maybe that means I wasn't productive.

This is all so important, I know.

I don't know what to write, so I'll do this later.