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I don't know if I've just set myself up in life poorly or something. I try to please people so much that I end up getting taken advantage of. I am feeling like no one in my life is reliable--or at least they are reliable in that they are unreliable. I thought that I was perceived as the bitch who gets mad when things don't go my way, but apparently, I am just the carpet that gets walked all over.

It is such a struggle to find a balance between doing what is right for me and what is right for other people. I am so conscious of everything that I do, and how it will affect those around me. If I'm late (which I too often am) then I feel badly that other people must wait. If I make plans and cancel them, then I know that other people will have to be flexible around me, and I make decisions based upon that. Unfortunately, the people who I dearly want to be there for me, just aren't. And, it's driving me crazy.

This is not to say that I don't have incredible people in my life. I feel like such a selfish ass for even complaining about this, as I am blessed in so many ways. But, really, this is starting to take a toll. I am learing that I am the only truly reliable person in my life and it's turning out to be a truly disappointing revelation.

Again, I'm sorry if this sucks and is depressing, blah blah, but it does and that's the way I want it to be and that's the way I feel. I have to take charge of me and not care so much about everyone else. In making sure that everyone around me is happy, I am destroying my own self worth and esteem.

If I am hiding my true feelings from my friends, then I don't really think that I am being a friend. That is why you have been graced with my tearful ramble.