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I don't know why I eat so much. I really don't need it and each time I eat too much, I feel sick, yet it doesn't stop me the next time. I exercise more than half the people in the world (well, I just made that up, I don't know if that's really true), yet, no one would ever know it, because I don't know how to stop eating. It makes me so mad! Why can some people stop after one bite, and I need 100. It's not even like I'm unconsciously eating 99 extra bites. With every extra bite, I am yelling at myself to stop, but something/someone inside just isn't listening.

Each day I wake up and say that I can be "good" today, but that never works. "There's always tomorrow," I tell myself.

I'm trying to have a "healthy" relationship with food, but I just don't know how. I see all these people who do it and I want to be them, but I am not them. I am me.

The hardest thing about it, is that I know what the healthy choices are, I just don't make them. That's what is so painful. To watch me make the wrong choices, when I know the right ones like the back of my hand.

I'm starting to get really worried about being in warm weather. I don't want anyone to see me, really. I read someone's blog the other day about physical attraction. She was saying something along the lines of she hates that she cares about her body. I hate that too. I feel like if I could just let go of my caring about it, then I'd be so much healthier and it would all just fall into place. I just haven't figured it out, yet. I definitely feel like I'm getting better each year, though--body image-wise. I've never looked worse, yet I feel better about myself. That is definitely a start. But, we'll see if I feel this way when I have to put on shorts or a swim suit. I cringe at the thought.

I was looking at pictures of myself this summer from 7th grade. I used to think that I was so gross, and I remember how awful that felt. But, the sad thing is, that I was looking at these pictures and realized that there was nothing "wrong" with me. I don't want to live my life, now, not doing things because I don't feel good--
physically--only to get older and realize that there was never anything wrong with me. My mom tells me that she looks at pictures of herself in high school and college and regrets how much she didn't do because she was so self-conscious. Yet, she was such a beautiful person. I don't want to feel that regret and have to tell my teenage daughter what I didn't do when I was younger for these same sad reasons.

I guess, really, what it comes down to is caring about what other people think of me. The post that I was reading also said something along the lines of her caring about what guys look like, so why shouldn't they care about what she looks like. I feel the same way. Often, I think that if I didn't eat so much, then someone would want to be in a relationship with me. I don't really want to be with anyone right now, I don't think. I really enjoy my independence, but it is so nice to have someone who cares about you and who supports you in a more intimate way. But, really, I don't need that right now. I have way too much stuff to sort out on my own.

Like why I eat so much.