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It's hard to figure out how I feel here. Being away from all that I know is such a lonely, exhausting experience, but at the same time, I have never had so much fun in my life. I love the people here and we have such a good time, but it just doesn't always feel "right." I don't think I've ever laughed as much, yet also felt so sad and lonely at the same time.

I was talking to my dad the other night, and he was explaining the true meaning of "you can't have your cake and eat it to." Wow, whoever invented that sure was right. If you eat your cake, then you won't have it, right? Well, I guess if I don't experience all of the loneliness, than I can't have the experience of newness and excitement. Meeting new people comes with moments of emotional abandonment, but that's something that really is okay. And, I just have to be good with that.

This being said, I don't feel much like going back to Chicago. I miss what is comfortable, and I miss my friends and family, but I have come to the realization that there is a lot about Chicago that I don't like. When I'm there, I put up with it (not consciously), because I know that I like my life there, but being away makes me truly realize that I compromise a lot of my desires for that city. The biggest issue that I have with Chicago is dealing with my safety. I get so exhausted from having to put energy into making safe and smart decisions that I think it paralyzes me from doing things I'd want to do otherwise. Now, I'm sure this doesn't mean much to my readers who know me--I seemingly take great advantage of the neighborhood and the area--but in honesty, it is emotionally hard to think about that all of the time.

Also, at the same time that I feel lonely, it's nice to be away from people who know me. It's like I am to fit a certain "me" when I am with my friends--not that there is anything wrong with this. But, now that I am away, I can be whatever "me" I want to be. I don't even know if I really am being a new me or not. I'm probably not. But, it's nice to think that I could be if I wanted to. But, then thinking about that: if it's a new me, then it's still really me, right?

Oh man.

This just got complicated.