Priority Use

It's pouring here. Buckets. The streets are all rivers of black and brown. Of white dust and cigarette butts. And now, I am covered in it. But, I love the rain. Sometimes. I mean, I love it when it rains and it hasn't rained. It's a gloomy day and I just want to lie in bed and think. And wake up to make cookies. Then talk, and lie in bed some more. It reminds me of running through the streets of Hyde Park at midnight and jumping in the fountains on campus. Too bad, I would never actually touch anything from this country if I didn't really have to!

Now, I must go disinfect myself.

Well, I can finally say that I'm ready to leave this country. I have been really wanting to go to the Central Meat Market for the past while and my roommate went a couple weeks ago (she happened upon it somehow), so this reminded me of my desire. So, I made it there and it was a terrible experience and in about 5 minutes I had already decided I'm glad to be moving on, for sure. Although the carcasses and chopping and all of the blood was difficult to handle, it was really the smell that made me so terrified. I could get past the visual experience of it all, and just see it all as "meat," not "formerly living creature," but the smell, man, it was too terrible to put into words. It was this putrid smell of death. A stench that seemed to permeate all of my being and I just wanted to get out. We walked through the fish section which smelled terribly of fish and the floor was littered with blood, water and fish heads. This really all made me not want to eat for a really long time. I'm sure that food in the states is not as clean as we think it is, but I must say, I do enjoy my little USDA bubble and I'm not ready for it to be bursted like it was today. No more meat or fish for me in Athens, that's for sure. I am still not wanting to limit myself, but I wouldn't be surprised if that this rendezvous ruined me for meat and fish for a long, long time. The sick thing was, even the produce was disgusting. It was just all so dirty and unsanitary. I know that I am sounding quite a lot like an American snob, but I think, at this point (and on this subject) in my life, I'm really okay with that.

Today I went for an incredible run. It was really humid outside and it was about noon, so I was just drenched the entire time, but it felt so good. I love the feeling of muscle exhaustion. The feeling like I've done something really good. Yesterday I went to a gym! Yes, a gym! I haven't been to a gym in about 2 months and it felt so good. I love the feeling of suffocating sweat. The feeling of being inside and there being no breeze and all your body can do to stay alive is to sweat. A Lot! It's so energizing and so inspiring. So, my friend got a membership to a gym here and she snuck me in and it was so wonderful.

On an unrelated note, there is a world at the U of C that I know nothing about. I always know this, but sometimes I forget only to be reminded about it at odd times. My roommate here is part of that life that sort of just runs parallel to mine. She is the perpendicular that connects the two lives. I really like her, though. I don't necessarily want her to take me "to the other side." But, I do want her to still enjoy my company, and I want to enjoy hers, when we go back. I think we will, too. She is a really cool person and I think she belongs on my side! Cause, honestly, ours really is the best :-)

I usually remember my dreams pretty well. If not all day, then at least I remember pieces of them at some part during the day and everything figures itself out. But, I haven't really remembered many of my dreams this past quarter. Except for the last two nights. And, I've been having really weird dreams. I want to tell someone about them, but I don't know who to tell. The people who I really want to tell wouldn't understand them completely--I'd have to catch them up on a lot of stuff! And, the people who are easily accessible and I can tell, I don't really want to. So, I think I'll just have to resort to writing them down.

Not having a best friend is a difficult state of being. I have really always wanted to have a BEST friend. Not a group of really good friends, or a few people that I really love to be with (though of course that's great too), but a good, old-fashioned, ring-sharing, blood-sister bonding best friend.

Sometimes it gets really complicated to have to think about what you can tell to one person and not to another and then you have to remember what you told to whom. I guess I shouldn't be complaining because some people don't have any friends and I have about a bazillion.

Well, that was my lame attempt to update my blog.

Signing off.

I love being alone. Perhaps it's the grown up only child in me, or perhaps it's that I can't or don't relate to other people, but I crave alone time. I am beyond the guilty feelings of having to go out, having to socialize, having to be nice. If I want to be alone, I'm going to do it. But, sometimes I do worry about myself. I worry that I make stupid, unsafe decisions. I worry that I walk down streets that I shouldn't, I go out at times when I shouldn't. And, sometimes I'm not sure if I'm asking for trouble. My friends are out galavanting across Prague--museums, bars, jazz clubs--and I'm sitting in my hostel writinng in my blog--something that has been long overdue. I really, honestly, just wanted to be alone. I didn't feel bad that I didn't go out or bad that I was wasting my time here, I just knew what I needed and decided to take it. I got off on the wrong tram stop and had to walk down a pretty sketchy strip of road with lots of grafitti and I was just praying that the light would last a little longer and that someone would hear my scream if I had to. At one point I started running, but then I felt ridiculous and I just walked really fast. It's those stupid things that I do that make me wonder if I am as wise and smart as I like to consider myself as being. I'll be alone in Rome for a week and I hope that I am okay. I know the "right" things, the "smart" things, the "safe" things to do, I just don't always do them. I am most excited, though, about going to sleep early, exactly when I want to. And, waking up early, exactly when I want to. Then, I don't have to worry, right? I'm sure I'm just paranoid. People my age do stupid things, why do I always have to be so practical? Why do I have to care!