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A secret blog containing the ramblings of a secret someone...Thursday, June 02, 2005
Lives
My roommate and I, here, have become really good friends. I have weird perceptions of things and I never think I'm good/cool/pretty/skinny/smart enough to be with these people that I'm always comparing myself with. She has always been one of them. I was worried when we decided to live with each other that I would constantly be comparing myself to her and that it would make me crazy. Instead, it has been such an amazing experience. Our Chicago lives couldn't be much more different. I don't know any of her friends. She never does campus activities. She's one of the people that I just assumed I couldn't relate to. But, here, it's totally different. We're so similar (we're also different, but that's good) and we talk in a real, meaningful way.
Anyway, the point of all of this: I was invited out to a Hookah lounge the other night. She was going and I really didn't feel like it. That made her really mad. It was the excuses that I used, for not going. Not that I didn't want to go. She gave me a really long "lecture" (that term is so terribly demeaning, but I don't mean it that way. It was a very heartfelt, emotional lecture) about how she wished I would go and how she thought that my excuses were terrible and that I should reexamine why I didn't want to go. It all got to me so much. I always think that I have it pulled together in that I'm really good at hiding how I actually feel. And, truth be told, I am really good at hiding how I feel: I'm not as confident, as nice, as "pulled together" as I appear to most people. But, hiding all of this is exhausting. And, I think she sees right through it. What an amazing experience. I don't even think that she realized how meaningful it was that she brought everything up. She said that she thought she was overstepping her boundaries--and she probably was. But, isn't that what good friends do? They overstep their boundaries? I still haven't said anything to her about her comments. And, I don't know if I will. But, in any case. It meant a lot to me that she cared enough to try.
Anyway, the point of all of this: I was invited out to a Hookah lounge the other night. She was going and I really didn't feel like it. That made her really mad. It was the excuses that I used, for not going. Not that I didn't want to go. She gave me a really long "lecture" (that term is so terribly demeaning, but I don't mean it that way. It was a very heartfelt, emotional lecture) about how she wished I would go and how she thought that my excuses were terrible and that I should reexamine why I didn't want to go. It all got to me so much. I always think that I have it pulled together in that I'm really good at hiding how I actually feel. And, truth be told, I am really good at hiding how I feel: I'm not as confident, as nice, as "pulled together" as I appear to most people. But, hiding all of this is exhausting. And, I think she sees right through it. What an amazing experience. I don't even think that she realized how meaningful it was that she brought everything up. She said that she thought she was overstepping her boundaries--and she probably was. But, isn't that what good friends do? They overstep their boundaries? I still haven't said anything to her about her comments. And, I don't know if I will. But, in any case. It meant a lot to me that she cared enough to try.
posted by Lisa Lovely # 10:58 AM 
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