Priority Use

It's the middle of summer. I have no job. I just returned from a 4 month escapade across Europe. Yet, all I can think about is how much I have to do, and how little I am actually doing. I was 5 weeks into training for the Chicago Marathon (yeah, I didn't tell anyone about it for fear of failure...) and I went to register about a week ago and the registration was closed. Although I was bummed, really bummed, it was also sort of a relief to be honest. Sometimes I do things for reasons that I can't always explain. Training was just another thing that I had to think about. Another committment that I had made for myself that threatened to fall through--another way to make me feel like I was failing at life. No, I don't feel like I'm failing at life, that's not what I meant. Really, honestly. But, I don't feel like explaining myself, really. It's just that I'm feeling so overwhelmed and I don't know how to calm myself. Usually, I would make a list or I would just get to work, but nothing I have to do is list-worthy. It's not little things to just cross off to make me feel accomplished. I know I just need to break it all down and I'll feel better.

All my friends are out doing amazing things this summer and I can't help but think how I might possibly be setting myself up for a job disaster next year. Couldn't I be interning in NY to make contacts for the job search? Researching in Chicago to get a nice recommendation for grad school? At least studying for the damn LSAT's? I know, take a chill pill. Whatever.

So, I'm in pretty deep with this podcast devoted to food and culture (eatfeed.com). It's really fabulous and I'm really excited, but it's also really overwhelming. I just expressed interest in a woman's show back in March and now she has me listed as an Assistant Producer on the website. She wants me to start lining up interviews and creating my own shows. It's really great and I'm so excited, but right now I just feel like I'm in some sort of limbo.

I think what it comes down to, is that I just have to start something. Sitting here thinking about what I need to start is no good. And, the oddest thing is, that I'm usually not like this. I'm usually a "doer," and now all I want to do is nothing. We'll see. I think I'm really just exhausted. That's all. Maybe I just need to take it easy on myself for a little bit. Not beat myself up for not doing enough. Just do what needs to be done.