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I'm sitting here in my apartment finding interesting internet articles about Chicago gangs, procrastinating, eating these fancy chocolate chips from the freezer (my mom sent them to me to make Valentine's Day candies, and making myself sick. This place is too quiet when no one is around, so the only thing I can do to stay sane is turn on the tv with the volume turned all the way up. I'm not watching the tv--I'm not even in the same room with the thing--but the noise is quite a comfort.

I told myself that I would study tonight. I got home at 7 and tried to find the OC. Not because I wanted to watch it, but because I wanted to tape it for my roommate. But, I don't even know what channel it's on, and I lost patience.

Then, I said, well, I'll study at 8.

I made myself a salad for dinner, but it didn't satisfy anything--although the homemade croutons were mighty tasty. I really just wanted some chocolate ice cream or a cookie, but I don't have either of those things. My roommate has two containers of chocolate ice cream in the freezer, but I can't get myself to eat them. They're not mine and it just wouldn't be right. And, those (stealing or chocolate ice cream) are not habits that I care to start (not that a bag of chocolate chips is much better). Every time I open the freezer to see what's inside (2 bags of Trader Joe's "Soycatash," a giant bag of pink m&m's with only about 5 left, a jar of Svedka Vodka, a pint of fancy chocolate ice cream and a quart of dreyers), nothing new appears. It's been the same for at least 5 days now.

Now, it's five minutes to 8 and I just can't myself motivated to do any studying. I figure if I am not smart now, I'm going to be equally not smart on Saturday, too. But then there's that other part of me that says I need to at least try. My dad is always super supportive. I've been calling him every day for the past 2 weeks to say how terribly the studying is going and how terribly I've been testing and all he says is how I should relax and have fun with it and things will fall into place. What's the worst that's gonna happen, he reminds me. And, to me, he's totally right. I just can't get myself to relax enough to believe him, or to stress enough to really, truly care. A horrible place to stand.

3 minutes to 8.

I'm going to be serious about this.

2 minutes to 8.

I ate the last 5 m&m's.

Now it's 8. Time to study.