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It is generally believed that I am smart. It's not that I think this isn't true. But, rather, I'm not sure that "smart" in the traditional sense of the word is one of the first characteristics that I would use to define myself. I am smart in the sense of knowing how to get along with people; smart in the sense that I am independent and can take care of myself. I am smart because I can solve problems and communicate with those around me. But, I don't know many historical facts, or grammatical terms. I don't always remember to ask "may I" instead of "can" and I certainly don't understand even half of what I read, or even see, each day.

So, I'm studying for a pretty important test right now--well, one that's important to me, at least. One whose outcome probably won't make or break the rest of my life. It's not a test that will define my happiness or assure my life journey is successful, but it is a test whose results do have the ability to define the next few years. I've been studying for about eight weeks now, yet I still feel wholly unprepared. The stakes are high, and the pressure is intense. Ultimately, I know that I put more pressure on myself than could anyone else, EVER. But, at the same time, I have developed the sort of reputation where people assume that I am smart. I feel pressure to do well because if I don't, I will be exposed, or worse, I will just have nottried hard enough.

The guy sitting next to me on the plane looked over when I was studying last night. Apparently he works in Chicago and took the test a long time ago--afterwards he went to Northwestern. I told him I didn't know where I wanted to go to school next--or even if I did want to go to school again, any time soon. I told him that I was a 4th year and where I went to school. I said that I was nervous about doing well on the test and he said "considering where you go to school, you'll probably do just fine." That's just the sort of pressure that I put on myself and that drives me crazy. It's like I need to do well because of where I am in my life. I need to do well in order to validate all that I have worked for in the past. And, the terrible thing about this, is that I know it is all ridiculous. I just can't always get over it.

I know that being smart is more than going to Harvard, but sometimes I find myself falling into the same traps of conventionality--smarts, success, aesthetics--that I am able to criticize among so many others. I know that really being anything is more than conventionality. But, it's just not always that easy to remember.