Priority Use

I have been lately confronted with the issue of what it really means to have a blog. Do matters discussed in a blog necessarily become matters discussed in person? Or, does the blogging life exist separately from the life in the real world? I guess, what it comes down to, is what goes into the writing of the blog. I don't think that I would classify myself as a private person, per se, but I would say that I am careful what I share. I guess most people who know me might be surprised by that--I am always talking, right? Well, yeah. I do talk a lot. And, I do share a lot. But there's a lot that goes on upstairs that never becomes a sound and makes it out of my lips. I have sort of been confronted with this issue of public vs private ever since I started this blog and its presence become widespread knowledge across my circle of friends (no doubt, the only people who actually read it: thus, I have no clue why I am writing as though my thoughts are published to some "unbeknownst to me" audience). Although this is supposed to be a sort of journal of my thoughts, I feel that I do have to be mindful of what I say and who is reading it. In the past week or two, I have been wanting to write a lot, for example, but haven't really gotten up the courage. Not because I am trying to be passive aggressive or to beat around the bush with my subtleties, but because, ultimately, how I make people feel is very important to me. Sometimes, I think, if I didn't care so damn much about everyone around me, I'd be a much happier person. But, the alternative just doesn't make all that much sense. Because I do care. And, I like caring.

Okay, so I'm completely lost as to where this was going. Basically, I can't decide if my blogging life is ready to be a part of my public life. I guess, in a way, I've already had to answer this question (why, yes, indeed, it must be part of the public life) by accepting that it is my closest circle of friends who read about me every day (or every week, month, whatever). But more than that. It is my closest circle of friends who actually care.

Maybe the bigger issue to me, in actuality, is how do I reconcile what I write with those who maybe aren't in my closest circle of friends? Do I pretend that the me that goes to class every day, runs along the lake and goes food shopping is not the me who gets inspiration at all hours of the day (and night)? Is the me who locks the door every time I leave or come the same me that sometimes can't sleep until I empty my head into the computer? Or, is it that once the thought leaves my head, getting transmitted onto a public web space for the whole darn world to potentially see it only exists independently from the person? In essence, I haven't really decided if it still is, in fact, me. So, do I pretend that people don't read this, or do I embrace my blog as a way to communicate things to those around me that I may not be able to say out loud (not because they are bad, or embarrassing, or sad, necessarily) or just wouldn't come up in conversation?

So, I don't know how to close this, really. I think I just might go to sleep. With no concluding sentence. Just a goodbye and until next time. Not the best, I know.