Priority Use

Just to be up front about this post: it is not about socialism as in socialism. It is about socialism as in a word that I invented. Socialism as in: about the act of being "social". I could have called it
socialistic, but that would have been the adjective.

So, that's what this post is going to be about: Socialism. The art of being social.

I don't really consider myself as being an "anti-social" person. Anti-social to me is someone who doesn't know how to socialize, or who doesn't like to socialize. Now, I wouldn't consider myself a social expert, but I definitely know how to socialize and I do enjoy it, much of the time. At the same time, I really am getting to appreciate being on my own. And, usually, on any given day or night, I'd rather be alone. Sure, there are plenty of times that I get lonely, or that I just want company, and I've got great friends for that (!!) but more often than not, I'm very content to read, or think, or listen to music, or ride my bike. All of these things are fun to do with other people, but it's really satisfying to know that they are equally good to do on my own. Maybe it's a mental thing: I feel good knowing that I don't really need anyone around.

That being said, I've been lonely lately. It's weird to be surrounded by so much but to just not feel connected, in a way. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions. When I catch myself thinking that way, I really try and be more aware of myself and aware of what I am doing and why. It's amazing how easy it is just to get so wrapped up in one way of thinking to forget that how it appears to be is not necessarily how it is.

I come home to darkness a lot (literally, this isn't a metaphor for darkness in my head or anything like that), and that's been odd. I don't usually like it at all. So, I've just been turning up the music really loud, or turning on the TV for company. Sometimes it feels like people are so caught up in their own worlds that they don't really care about what I have to say. I know that sounds really terrible and selfish, but I feel like I do a lot of caring for other people, and that sometimes I forget to care about myself. I don't ever want to care so much about me, though, that I don't care about anyone else.

So, about being social. I had made all these plans to do things tonight and today I was seeing people nonstop. I love all of the connections that I've made in my life and I feel like I'm surrounded by amazing people. And it was great to see so many of them. One of them invited me over to her house and I think I hurt her feelings because I was a little quick to say no. But, honestly, I was really excited to come home. I figured that I would probably be alone, but I was okay with that. Because it feels good to know that there is somewhere else to go. And, maybe I'm okay with all of this, because, ultimately, when it doesn't feel good here, there is always somewhere else to go too. And, that's why it's good to have friends. But also good to be alone.