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Sometimes I think I put more effort into things than it's worth. It's not even like I care about trying too hard--it doesn't seem too hard, really. It just doesn't feel good when I realize that it's all so one-sided. I guess I shouldn't care. I should do things because I want to do them. But, I think there is so much more to community and friendship than that. Sometimes you do things because you genuinely want to do them. But, other times, you do things because, well, it's nice to do them for other people. I find myself periodically feeling like I give all the time and don't get anything back. That I care too much about other people, but that the people that I care that much about don't really care all that much back. So, then I end up pretending that I don't care to protect myself from being hurt and it's just a lonely mess. And, now I feel terrible for even thinking this way--that I need to get in return for my give. But, you know, it's true. For me, at least. And, the truth is, I don't do things so that I can get something in return, but then, every once in a while, I realize that a few of my most desired relationships are just that. So, is it bad to want to get something from someone? I can't decide. Is it bad to be good to people so that they'll be good to me? Or, then is it not really being good to others and just a convoluted and confusing way to be selfish? I don't know. This really all confuses me. I guess maybe I just care about the wrong people--which sounds even worse, but might make the most sense. This is actually not a new problem. I've been trying to figure this out for a long time. Or, it could be that I just want different things from relationships than people are willing to give.

I was thinking how I didn't want a boyfriend. I've been thinking about this a lot, lately. About how I'm content with me being me and myself and me being me and my friends. But maybe that's just cause I wasn't lonely. Now I'm lonely, and all I want is someone who cares about me--cares deeply. Someone who thinks I look good and someone who thinks I am good. But, I can't decide if I like the idea of having a boyfriend for just the idea and that in practice it doesn't make sense. I think, really, want it comes down to is having someone reinforce that I might possibly be the tiniest bit attractive. Inside and out--honestly.

I was also thinking about how I've never really been with a guy who knew me before being with me. My very limited "relationship" experience has been with people who I didn't really know. So, what does that mean? I am probably paranoid in thinking that I am just a loser who no one who actually knows me wants to be with. But, I honestly, can't help but to think that. I mean, it sort of makes sense--all the pieces fit. Sometimes I think it's cause I'm too nice. But, I'm really not. So then I think it's cause I'm not nice enough. But, that doesn't make sense either. So I don't really know what it is. Whatever it is though, makes me feel like the biggest loser alive. Why is it that some people have people who care about them--in a romantic, intimate sense--and others don't. Sure, they just haven't found the right person, but why not?