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Most of the time I think I'm crazy for supposing that I can go off and be by myself for 2 years. Totally, completely alone. Okay, well, I won't be totally and completely alone. But, I will be away from all that I know--people, ideas, culture--and that is really starting to scare me. It's not like I don't enjoy my own company is the thing.

I hate being alone in my apartment. I listen to NPR more for the company than for the information. Unfortunately. Even when I'm not physically alone, though, I feel mentally and emotionally alone. The thing is, it's not always bad. But, sometimes, it just doesn't feel right.

The most terrible thing about feeling alone is that I know that I'm not. I have so many friends: they're not the problem. The problem, is me. I think I'm too hard on people. Too critical of everyone--myself included. And in being this way, I drive people away. I think my problems are special. But, they're not. I think no one can relate--but that's only because I don't let them. I dig my own grave and that's what's so hard to come to grips with. It's not like I can't be different. I'm just not.

When I think about it all in these terms, being "alone" for 2 years doesn't sound so bad. Maybe the way that I feel alone here won't be how I feel alone there. Here my alone is isolating and self-perpetuated. It's like I'm a crazy person on the street. In the middle of hustle and bustle. And I get lost in the crowd. That's feeling alone. But being alone. Well, maybe that's different. If I have no one else to be with then it's not like there's something better. An invisible floater in the middle of chaos, on the other hand, always sees what could be and what isn't.

But, then, I'll come back. And, it will most likely be all the same. Unless I change. And, I do believe I can.