Priority Use

Today I had to transfer my phone numbers from one phone into another and it was quite an eye-opening experience. I keep things. Most things. Important and unimportant. Just in case. Papers, books, pictures, notes, and phone numbers. I'd had my old phone (the duct tape was interfering with the reception) for about 4 years, I think. Maybe not that long, actually. But, I'd never really cleared out my phone book, so the numbers--some of them--were from people that I haven't talked to since high school. I made a point of only transferring in numbers that I actually need and, sadly, my phone book is now about half as full. I guess it wasn't so sad, just something, I'm not sure. A realization. It made me think of how many phone numbers I'll be clearing out come June or July. How many people I'll lose touch with and if I'll care just the same. I've come to appreciate people in my life for what they are--or at least I'm trying to--for me now and not trying to hold on to them for the future. I'm not sure if it's worthless to put time, energy, emotion into a relationship that is, logistically, not to last, but I don't think it is.

So, the hardest number for me to delete--but also probably the healthiest--was DM (this initial thing is very liberating, I must say). I haven't talked to him since the time we went to Chinatown at the beginning of last year and had that big soup thing. And, even then, it was weird and hard. I hadn't hardly even seen him since--maybe once or twice. So, I saw him in the library the other day and got this weird sad, sinking feeling inside of me. I didn't realize that I was so attached--I don't think I ever let myself admit that I could be. I was supposed to be having "fun," being "carefree." But, I guess it wasn't just that. He was the first person who showed interest in that way, and I think I was just too self-abating to think that anyone could want me superficially. I thought I was one of those people "you had to get to know" before I could be attractive. So, naturally, stupidly, I thought he'd, well, "want to get to know." Eventually. And, I got too attached. Anyway, I now, no longer have his phone number. I can't accidentally scroll across his name when I'm trying to get to someone else. And, I think that's really good. I'm proud of myself for getting rid of it. I have a few things lying around that remind me of him and I might just have to get rid of them too. Or, I'll keep them to remind myself that it's okay to hang on a bit. But only for memories and not for sad, sinking feelings.

It's not really true that I can see people for momentary friendship. Ultimately, I am too sensitive, too conscious, too I don't know, to not care. Especially with people I really like or look up to--who often don't realize how much I miss them--it's those people that I let hurt me the most. But, it's also those people with whom I need to learn to let go.