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I am really very tired of reading my paper. I'm about to do it again for the millionth time--but, truth is, I probably haven't done it enough. I think I've put a lot of work into this, but, truth is, probably not enough.

Sometimes I can't tell if I'm too hard on myself or if I just don't do things to my fullest. Or, maybe I just don't perceive my amount of work, sweat, tears as being near equivalent to those of others. It could be that I perceive the complaining, the whining of others (and their really hard classes) as being bigger than they really are--like the bark is bigger than the bite, or something like that. I've taken hard classes, I think. I've been stressed, I know. But, I get through it. And, I (generally) do really well. But, I don't feel like I work all that hard. I mean, I don't study all the time. I don't study nearly enough as a I could (dare I say should). Maybe I just get lucky. I'm not sure. Maybe hindsight is 20-20 (or 20-10) in that the big picture, looking back, is that it is what it is. I forget the stress. I forget that maybe, in fact, I did give it my all. I'm just honestly not sure. I mean, what does it all mean? Do I give it my all if I choose to stop working at some point before it's perfect, before I get it, before I'm the best? Then, is it really my all?

So, anyway, here I go, having this gigantic assignment due tomorrow. I will be pretty proud of what I turn in, I think. But, I know it's not perfect. I know that it probably could be better had I stayed up late for the past week and not chosen midnight bedtimes, hours wasted at the gym and Charlotte Simmons. So, does that mean I didn't do a good job? Does that mean I deserve to do well? Does that mean I don't deserve to do well. I am honestly not sure.

Here I have this paper. The file, at least, is open. But, I'm not really working that hard. I have to do another read through, but I honestly don't know how many changes I'm going to make--how many changes I can make. So, if I turn it in less than perfect, did I somehow fail? Could I have worked harder? Should I feel as though I somehow slipped through the ambiguous cracks of achievement. Am I that one girl who "always" succeeds, but doesn't really actually do anything to get there? Is it bad of me to even think this?

All I know is that I've gotten far. More than just academically. Just far. I have friends, a family, a (fairly) stable demeanor and outlook on life, potential and education. But, what have I done to get it? Was I just dealt the ace? The lucky hand? Maybe I was. Maybe that's okay. Maybe I shouldn't feel as though I don't deserve what I have. But, I don't ever want to take it all for granted. Maybe it just means I have some greater duty in life. I was put here to do more than just well in school. To make someone, something, happy and complete.

I don't know. Maybe it's a dead end to think like this. Maybe I should just not be so hard on myself. Not question what is. Pat myself on the back as say you've done well. Good job. You've really done well. Or, maybe I should not be so naive to think that it has been all me. Maybe I'm meant to have it easy so that I can get to harder things. Get to moving mountains. I just worry, sometimes (most times) that I'm going to get to that mountain. I'm going to push on that mountain. I'm going to see how to move that mountain. But, I'm not going to be able to. It's going to be too hard and I won't know what to do. I won't know how to deal with something I can't handle--something I can't handle on the first try--and I'll just walk away. That, to me, would be the ultimate failure. And, the fact that I don't want to read my paper for the sixth, seventh, eighth (probably more realistic than millionth) time really makes me worry that that's exactly what's going to happen.